Misunderstanding the Internal Struggle Pt 1

Do you know what it feels like to lose in competition with yourself, damn near every day of your life? To hesitate at letting anyone know the pain you feel within from fear that they’ll never understand . Then when you’ve gathered all courage to try and explain a sliver of the issue it’s , “You just think too much.”, “It’s not that serious”, or “You have nothing to be upset about”. Not that I’m angry at the statements made or anything….but, muthafxcka that’s why I didn’t want to talk in the first place. You want to know what’s wrong just to be aware and in the know. Want me to talk so that you can “be there”. I think I’m over people just being there. What are you doing for me now? and what can you do for me in the future? That’s how I’ll start evaluating my situationships.
Been on this journey trying to find myself and thought I was reaching out to the right people for help. I only reach out because I’ve been trying to find the solution to my problems on my own and it has not worked out in my favor. I don’t wanna just exist anymore, I wanna live, I want more. Out of everything. More love. More chances. More Happiness. More Happiness.


So how do I turn in around? Only plan right now is to stay to myself (and my therapist lol). No more sharing the “what’s wrong” stories. Or the trying to explain why there’s not a smile on my face. No more thinking of what’s best for others and only thinking of what’s required of me. I set ONE goal for 2016, ONE. I have failed already. No one was around to soothe the harsh pain I felt as I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault. Definitely hard to do when I can point out my actions and how they caused the issue. After the fact. So what do I do now that time travel does not exist? Who knows, til then…



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