Psychotic High

Tired of letting passive aggression control my mind, capture my soul.

Okay you’re right just let it go.

Last night was a rough night for me, well the past two days have been. I have always used the roller coaster analogy to describe life and it’s wondrous events.  You know, with all the up and down bullshxt. But these depression flare-ups are helping me understand why life is more like the box of chocolates that everyone swears by. Also confirms why I don’t like variety boxes of chocolate. I like knowing what I’m going to get. Predictions. Patterns. Input and Output. All things that can be predicted and/or calculated.

And that’s why it hurts so much. This disorder has no consistent pattern. At least not consistent enough for me to have figured it out by now. Even randomness can be determined but I’ve spent so much time saying that there isn’t a formula that I didn’t solve it.  It’s like I get blindsided by my own thoughts sometimes. And I’m still trying to grasp how that’s even possible. Obviously, it is. So now my mentality has shifted from  “how can we get over this” to “how can we get through this“. Think it’s about time to accept it so that I stop being so butt-hurt when the flame is lit. From Pharmacotherapy to Retail Therapy, it’s time to intentionally experiment and find what treatment helps. I loved the psychological high I had been on.

A high that has nourished everything great in my life and downplayed any demons.

A high that made me float every day I was with my King.

A high that had me walking on clouds.

A high that made getting high a treat and not a treatment.

A high that I can only experience if I can neutralize life’s gravity.

A high, so high that even when I come down, I’m high.




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