Reasons For My Sadness

I had a therapy appointment scheduled for this week. But due to my change in insurance I now pay out of pocket for all sessions. A $30 co-pay covered through my FSA funds was changed to $80 cash or credit. Now while she doesn’t MAKE me pay it right then, I don’t like going without knowing when I’ll be able to foot the bill. So this week I cancelled. This week of ALL week’s right?! So I grabbed a piece of paper and attempted to get the funk outta my system.

Reason #1) Lack of Motivation: whenever I feel like something is worth my time, I get discouraged. No matter what I’m going after, something tells me its not worth it.

Reason #2) No Comparison: Everyone is distraught or stressed over material things when all I want is for “people” to be by my side. OR to at least feel like they are.

Reason #3) Loneliness: I should be used to feeling alone but something in me still wants to rid the feeling. You would think I would learn to adjust to my circumstance but something in me just won’t give it up. Then I feel like something is wrong with me.

Reason #4) Doing for Others: staying solo vs giving people more of a reason to not fuck with me is the constant dilemma. Well why should I do for you when I feel you don’t do for me..why? because I don’t want you not be there even more than you already aren’t.

Reason #5) Tired of Not Being Good Enough: I remember a lot of past situations/feelings and every time something new arises, it just hops right on top of the pile. More on top of more. It’s hard to differentiate between the hurt of yesterday and the hurt of today. It all starts to feel the same.

Reason #6: Suicidal Distance: Sometimes I really think about just up and leaving. It’s not the same anymore, not being young and dumb. I’m tired of caring what people think. But it happens in voluntarily and I have to work so hard to get rid of the thoughts. And it just seems like packing my bags and disappearing for about a week or so would help.

Six reasons that affect so many other of my actions and I’m tired.

I wanna quit cause they make shit so hard. When I feel bad, my pharm. sci assignments become so difficult and I can’t quit cause I have nothing else going for me. School is my refuge, where else would I seek shelter. Tired of getting told how great I am yet feeling like shit. Tired of being afraid to lose people when I feel no one is afraid to lose me. I’m just tired of being the only one who cares. And while I know it’s not everyone’s job to care. I’m still tired. I’m tired of debating when I can/can’t express myself because of how I’m going to be seen later. People expect you to be immune to how they treat you, yet expect you to treat them like royalty. Tired of feeling bad for how I truly feel.

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