Status

Captive.

I’m beginning to ask myself Why? A lot. Why was I abused? Why didn’t I tell?

Why did I have the strength to prevail?  Yet, I’m too weak to exit my cell. Captive.

How did I have the strength to maintain silence but not to stop the pain?Forgiving those that have forsaken me, yet I live in vain.

Be grateful that I’m still here yet you want me to endure the constant tears.

 I don’t know why it still hurts, it just does. It just does.

So now I find myself on this journey of finding out who I was.

Before the short days and dark nights.

Before the wishes on street lights.

Before my successes felt like a pile of failures leading to nowhere.

Cause I’m still here. Some days I regret that I’m still here.

But I’m trying.

To find what I truly want and what I believe LIFE can provide for me.

What I want to exist in MY eternity. I’m trying…to find MY HAPPY and 

To break free from captivity. 

My “depression” or whatever the fxck you wanna call it has really been getting to me lately. I think it’s because I’m at the point where I would rather it be over. I’m getting tired of the emotional ups and downs and the way it’s affecting my day to day.  Trying to explain to others how it “feels” isn’t really working anymore. So what do I do? Make an attempt to understand it a little more. 

I’m starting to believe I’m manic-depressive. Just because the ease of how the moods come and go is ridiculous. A single thought can send me into a downward spiral that I am unable to pull myself out of. 

No keys to the cuffs for if my demons will not let me go, I must break free from captivity.

[Author: Veronica M.]

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Freeing of The Spirit

I sometimes trap myself within my mind being the worst self critic that I could possibly be. I turn 25 in a little over two months and I feel like I am so behind. I see my peers getting married, starting families, moving to new cities and I start wondering if I doing what I’m supposed to be. But I wouldn’t know. I’ve always done what I should.

Graduate from college with a REAL degree.Go to grad school. Road to a PhD. Get my first apartment. Get a career. Buy my first car. Had the abortion because I was 23 doing the RIGHT thing and it would’ve messed up everything. Yet. We praise those who have them once their eighteen. I’m learning that certain treasures in life aren’t treasures at all because I’m living the life that was given to me. Not the one I found searching. I am ready to find myself. I am ready to toss my road map out the window; because I no longer have a destination. I can just go.

No I’m not going to quit my job and move to Detroit or Miami. But I could. And there’s nothing anyone could say about it. Because I don’t have kids. I’m not married. Nothing is keeping me here. Plus, the one’s who claim they’ll miss me. Stop fxcking with me when I found someone who genuinely would.

From ex-boys to best friends even some of the family. Couldn’t handle it when I found someone to truly care for me. I don’t know if it’s our story or the fact that we discussed the meaning of love. But the shxt we’ve been through was real. And for us that was enough. It’s all about timing. Not where we met. It’s how we meet. Our opposing ends always connect. Magnetic heat.

Well I’ve been playing by the rules long enough to know. I’m ready to win the game. I wanna flourish into an amazing Goddess so that no man, no weapon, no outside force of Nature other than Kharma herself can touch me. I want to bloom. I don’t know exactly who I want to be, but this is about to be one hell of a trial-and-error analysis. 

I’m afraid of how long it will take. I just pray I get there before I give up.

[Author: Veronica M.]