Status

Captive.

I’m beginning to ask myself Why? A lot. Why was I abused? Why didn’t I tell?

Why did I have the strength to prevail?  Yet, I’m too weak to exit my cell. Captive.

How did I have the strength to maintain silence but not to stop the pain?Forgiving those that have forsaken me, yet I live in vain.

Be grateful that I’m still here yet you want me to endure the constant tears.

 I don’t know why it still hurts, it just does. It just does.

So now I find myself on this journey of finding out who I was.

Before the short days and dark nights.

Before the wishes on street lights.

Before my successes felt like a pile of failures leading to nowhere.

Cause I’m still here. Some days I regret that I’m still here.

But I’m trying.

To find what I truly want and what I believe LIFE can provide for me.

What I want to exist in MY eternity. I’m trying…to find MY HAPPY and 

To break free from captivity. 

My “depression” or whatever the fxck you wanna call it has really been getting to me lately. I think it’s because I’m at the point where I would rather it be over. I’m getting tired of the emotional ups and downs and the way it’s affecting my day to day.  Trying to explain to others how it “feels” isn’t really working anymore. So what do I do? Make an attempt to understand it a little more. 

I’m starting to believe I’m manic-depressive. Just because the ease of how the moods come and go is ridiculous. A single thought can send me into a downward spiral that I am unable to pull myself out of. 

No keys to the cuffs for if my demons will not let me go, I must break free from captivity.

[Author: Veronica M.]

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Freeing of The Spirit

I sometimes trap myself within my mind being the worst self critic that I could possibly be. I turn 25 in a little over two months and I feel like I am so behind. I see my peers getting married, starting families, moving to new cities and I start wondering if I doing what I’m supposed to be. But I wouldn’t know. I’ve always done what I should.

Graduate from college with a REAL degree.Go to grad school. Road to a PhD. Get my first apartment. Get a career. Buy my first car. Had the abortion because I was 23 doing the RIGHT thing and it would’ve messed up everything. Yet. We praise those who have them once their eighteen. I’m learning that certain treasures in life aren’t treasures at all because I’m living the life that was given to me. Not the one I found searching. I am ready to find myself. I am ready to toss my road map out the window; because I no longer have a destination. I can just go.

No I’m not going to quit my job and move to Detroit or Miami. But I could. And there’s nothing anyone could say about it. Because I don’t have kids. I’m not married. Nothing is keeping me here. Plus, the one’s who claim they’ll miss me. Stop fxcking with me when I found someone who genuinely would.

From ex-boys to best friends even some of the family. Couldn’t handle it when I found someone to truly care for me. I don’t know if it’s our story or the fact that we discussed the meaning of love. But the shxt we’ve been through was real. And for us that was enough. It’s all about timing. Not where we met. It’s how we meet. Our opposing ends always connect. Magnetic heat.

Well I’ve been playing by the rules long enough to know. I’m ready to win the game. I wanna flourish into an amazing Goddess so that no man, no weapon, no outside force of Nature other than Kharma herself can touch me. I want to bloom. I don’t know exactly who I want to be, but this is about to be one hell of a trial-and-error analysis. 

I’m afraid of how long it will take. I just pray I get there before I give up.

[Author: Veronica M.]

Third Trimester…hooray!

With most of the women that I have spoke to, when they reach this stage of their pregnancy they’re just ready to get it over with. Thank goodness mine has not been that stressful thus far. My feet just started swelling and I only noticed because I couldn’t fit a pair of my cute brown wedges. HaHa. I may be ready for it to be over but that’s just cause I’m ready to meet my little prince. So far my prenatal visits have been every four weeks…but after today, we have progressed to them now being every two weeks, HOW EXCITING!!! I received my first vaccine and took the dreaded glucose test (which wasn’t TOO bad/I had fruit punch flavor).

At this point the excitement/anxiety/emotions are starting to kick in. Big Daddy and I bought some of the prince’s first outfits/necessities and I think it’s all becoming so real. Slowly but surely I am definitely trying to prepare for what’s to come. From the overwhelming amount of family love and presence to being the best mom I can be, I don’t think there’s enough Pinterest boards to make me feel ready. But ready is definitely what I am. I think. 🙂

Aside

Nothing but Natural…

I’ve been scrolling Pinterest trying to find some life tips and advice on how to tackle this pregnancy journey. From diet tips to pre-natal exercises, I’m absorbing it all. After doing naturala ton of research and thanks to my fear of needles, I’ve decided to aim for an au naturale delivery route. Almost everyone that I speak to are in favor of the epidural, even without me telling them my goal. But I’m determined to not let these stories scare me away. It makes me even more motivated. From developing a motivational birth plan to incorporating an essential oil infused crock pot in the process, I’m down for whatever will make this the greatest experience ever. I’m sure there will be pain, screams and a little bit of regret at some times but I’ve already warned my partner and I’m down for the ride. With this being my first born, I want to give him the chance to come into this world however he may please. I want it to be nothing but natural.

…does true love still exist?

Sometimes I feel like I’m a fool for believing that true love still exists and others I’m grateful for warmth provided by its sunshine. Today, I’m in between. In a matter of seconds what I think is pure, real, and genuine; feels like a product of my imagination combined with all that I want to be right with the world. I feel real love shouldn’t be forced or come laced with conditions. Real love should eradicate any doubt or feeling that leaves you wondering if it’s really meant to be. Not just on the good days either. But everyday. When you see the prettier or more muscular being, you shouldn’t have to reconsider if you’re missing out. The thought shouldn’t even cross your mind. I feel when you really love someone, on their worst days, they are still the best choice that you could have ever made. To surrender your heart to them with no hesitation will be a decision made with no regret.

truelove

Some people say that you should make your partner feel as if there is no one that can take their place. But I think its more than that. They should feel that no one else can and that you wouldn’t want someone else to be able to. They should never feel inadequate. They should not be forced to put their best foot forward everyday from fear of losing the one they love; but should strive to be the best because it mirrors how you make them feel. The worst feeling is realizing how someone truly feels is masked by what they believe should be displayed. Honesty goes deeper than what you say and do, it needs to express what you truly feel. With that being said…does true love still exist?

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Baby Cub might wanna be a kickboxer

I’m officially 24 weeks prego today. Baby Cub has been kicking my ass…literally. He goes through a few spins and then just starts kicking or punching. I feel like he just posts up and cross his legs trying to see if I’m going to move him. I went to see the nutritionist earlier this week and for the first time I cried happy tears when talking about breastfeeding. I really began anticipating him getting here. Though I feel he’s gonna get here and think he’s running things. I can’t wait. I’ve up’d my walking and it def wears me out but I’ll do all I can in order to make sure he gets here on time and healthy.  We’ve set the baby shower date for a Saturday in July and I plan on taking at least two beach vacations before then.

Our Cub is a…

Last week was one of the most exciting days of my life. I went for my 20 week prenatal appointment at which I had my anatomy ultrasound. We had decided that we would wait on viewing the gender right then and would find out with a gender reveal that our friends were throwing for us. The appointment was at 10 that morning and the balloon pop wasn’t scheduled until 6:00 that evening. I must say that this was the longest 8 hours I had ever experienced. The ultrasound was amazing and the nurse said that our little cub was progressing right along with no complications. My due date was even pushed up two whole weeks. (YAY!) A day or two before the ultrasound was the first time I felt the baby move and during the ultrasound the flipping wouldn’t stop. Our cub greeted us with a hand wave at the beginning before curling up in the fetal position as soon as the nurse starting assessing it’s gender.

All day I was excited/anxious/nervous about what we would find out. We said we didn’t care what we were having but I was still nervous about whether or not Big Daddy would be satisfied. When the moment came, we posed for a few pictures then waited for the countdown…one…two…three…the black balloon soon became a cloud of Blue (with hints of Gold) confetti! With screams, smiles, and a quirky dance…we were notified of our baby boy. The soon to be new addition to our Pride.

(Note: Big Daddy and I’s birthdays are August 3rd and 4th, respectively. Our baby cub is scheduled to be here August 12th. A house full of Lions and we can’t wait)

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Reasons For My Sadness

I had a therapy appointment scheduled for this week. But due to my change in insurance I now pay out of pocket for all sessions. A $30 co-pay covered through my FSA funds was changed to $80 cash or credit. Now while she doesn’t MAKE me pay it right then, I don’t like going without knowing when I’ll be able to foot the bill. So this week I cancelled. This week of ALL week’s right?! So I grabbed a piece of paper and attempted to get the funk outta my system.

Reason #1) Lack of Motivation: whenever I feel like something is worth my time, I get discouraged. No matter what I’m going after, something tells me its not worth it.

Reason #2) No Comparison: Everyone is distraught or stressed over material things when all I want is for “people” to be by my side. OR to at least feel like they are.

Reason #3) Loneliness: I should be used to feeling alone but something in me still wants to rid the feeling. You would think I would learn to adjust to my circumstance but something in me just won’t give it up. Then I feel like something is wrong with me.

Reason #4) Doing for Others: staying solo vs giving people more of a reason to not fuck with me is the constant dilemma. Well why should I do for you when I feel you don’t do for me..why? because I don’t want you not be there even more than you already aren’t.

Reason #5) Tired of Not Being Good Enough: I remember a lot of past situations/feelings and every time something new arises, it just hops right on top of the pile. More on top of more. It’s hard to differentiate between the hurt of yesterday and the hurt of today. It all starts to feel the same.

Reason #6: Suicidal Distance: Sometimes I really think about just up and leaving. It’s not the same anymore, not being young and dumb. I’m tired of caring what people think. But it happens in voluntarily and I have to work so hard to get rid of the thoughts. And it just seems like packing my bags and disappearing for about a week or so would help.

Six reasons that affect so many other of my actions and I’m tired.

I wanna quit cause they make shit so hard. When I feel bad, my pharm. sci assignments become so difficult and I can’t quit cause I have nothing else going for me. School is my refuge, where else would I seek shelter. Tired of getting told how great I am yet feeling like shit. Tired of being afraid to lose people when I feel no one is afraid to lose me. I’m just tired of being the only one who cares. And while I know it’s not everyone’s job to care. I’m still tired. I’m tired of debating when I can/can’t express myself because of how I’m going to be seen later. People expect you to be immune to how they treat you, yet expect you to treat them like royalty. Tired of feeling bad for how I truly feel.

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End of Trimester One

Kubes!!! What’s up!

My cub is now 13 weeks along.. The nausea and upchucking has gotten a lot better thanks to a prescription I got from my ObGyn. As I progress along the one thing I wish is that my grandmother was here to witness this with me. Though in my pure heart I feel this would not have been possible had her soul still  been here on earth. I thank my Nana for my blessing and thank my Goddess for the gift. Pregnancy teaches a lot of lessons or maybe it just blows away the gray clouds allowing a clear view. Either way, I hope I learn how to deal or cope with the surrounding changes. and soon.

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Moments like this I wish I had a best friend. Someone I can just confide in and just be an ear. Preferably of the same sex. Cause yeah I have a fiancé, but things just aren’t the same when you’re explaining what’s going on in that messed up head of yours. Trying to find the balance between being honest about feelings and not feeling like a total wuss. Though he wouldn’t make me feel that way intentionally, just some things he don’t understand. Or can’t, cause he’s a dude. Whatever I guess. Just would be nice you know?! Maybe I just need a getaway, some new headspace.