Status

Captive.

I’m beginning to ask myself Why? A lot. Why was I abused? Why didn’t I tell?

Why did I have the strength to prevail?  Yet, I’m too weak to exit my cell. Captive.

How did I have the strength to maintain silence but not to stop the pain?Forgiving those that have forsaken me, yet I live in vain.

Be grateful that I’m still here yet you want me to endure the constant tears.

 I don’t know why it still hurts, it just does. It just does.

So now I find myself on this journey of finding out who I was.

Before the short days and dark nights.

Before the wishes on street lights.

Before my successes felt like a pile of failures leading to nowhere.

Cause I’m still here. Some days I regret that I’m still here.

But I’m trying.

To find what I truly want and what I believe LIFE can provide for me.

What I want to exist in MY eternity. I’m trying…to find MY HAPPY and 

To break free from captivity. 

My “depression” or whatever the fxck you wanna call it has really been getting to me lately. I think it’s because I’m at the point where I would rather it be over. I’m getting tired of the emotional ups and downs and the way it’s affecting my day to day.  Trying to explain to others how it “feels” isn’t really working anymore. So what do I do? Make an attempt to understand it a little more. 

I’m starting to believe I’m manic-depressive. Just because the ease of how the moods come and go is ridiculous. A single thought can send me into a downward spiral that I am unable to pull myself out of. 

No keys to the cuffs for if my demons will not let me go, I must break free from captivity.

[Author: Veronica M.]

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Freeing of The Spirit

I sometimes trap myself within my mind being the worst self critic that I could possibly be. I turn 25 in a little over two months and I feel like I am so behind. I see my peers getting married, starting families, moving to new cities and I start wondering if I doing what I’m supposed to be. But I wouldn’t know. I’ve always done what I should.

Graduate from college with a REAL degree.Go to grad school. Road to a PhD. Get my first apartment. Get a career. Buy my first car. Had the abortion because I was 23 doing the RIGHT thing and it would’ve messed up everything. Yet. We praise those who have them once their eighteen. I’m learning that certain treasures in life aren’t treasures at all because I’m living the life that was given to me. Not the one I found searching. I am ready to find myself. I am ready to toss my road map out the window; because I no longer have a destination. I can just go.

No I’m not going to quit my job and move to Detroit or Miami. But I could. And there’s nothing anyone could say about it. Because I don’t have kids. I’m not married. Nothing is keeping me here. Plus, the one’s who claim they’ll miss me. Stop fxcking with me when I found someone who genuinely would.

From ex-boys to best friends even some of the family. Couldn’t handle it when I found someone to truly care for me. I don’t know if it’s our story or the fact that we discussed the meaning of love. But the shxt we’ve been through was real. And for us that was enough. It’s all about timing. Not where we met. It’s how we meet. Our opposing ends always connect. Magnetic heat.

Well I’ve been playing by the rules long enough to know. I’m ready to win the game. I wanna flourish into an amazing Goddess so that no man, no weapon, no outside force of Nature other than Kharma herself can touch me. I want to bloom. I don’t know exactly who I want to be, but this is about to be one hell of a trial-and-error analysis. 

I’m afraid of how long it will take. I just pray I get there before I give up.

[Author: Veronica M.]

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Reasons For My Sadness

I had a therapy appointment scheduled for this week. But due to my change in insurance I now pay out of pocket for all sessions. A $30 co-pay covered through my FSA funds was changed to $80 cash or credit. Now while she doesn’t MAKE me pay it right then, I don’t like going without knowing when I’ll be able to foot the bill. So this week I cancelled. This week of ALL week’s right?! So I grabbed a piece of paper and attempted to get the funk outta my system.

Reason #1) Lack of Motivation: whenever I feel like something is worth my time, I get discouraged. No matter what I’m going after, something tells me its not worth it.

Reason #2) No Comparison: Everyone is distraught or stressed over material things when all I want is for “people” to be by my side. OR to at least feel like they are.

Reason #3) Loneliness: I should be used to feeling alone but something in me still wants to rid the feeling. You would think I would learn to adjust to my circumstance but something in me just won’t give it up. Then I feel like something is wrong with me.

Reason #4) Doing for Others: staying solo vs giving people more of a reason to not fuck with me is the constant dilemma. Well why should I do for you when I feel you don’t do for me..why? because I don’t want you not be there even more than you already aren’t.

Reason #5) Tired of Not Being Good Enough: I remember a lot of past situations/feelings and every time something new arises, it just hops right on top of the pile. More on top of more. It’s hard to differentiate between the hurt of yesterday and the hurt of today. It all starts to feel the same.

Reason #6: Suicidal Distance: Sometimes I really think about just up and leaving. It’s not the same anymore, not being young and dumb. I’m tired of caring what people think. But it happens in voluntarily and I have to work so hard to get rid of the thoughts. And it just seems like packing my bags and disappearing for about a week or so would help.

Six reasons that affect so many other of my actions and I’m tired.

I wanna quit cause they make shit so hard. When I feel bad, my pharm. sci assignments become so difficult and I can’t quit cause I have nothing else going for me. School is my refuge, where else would I seek shelter. Tired of getting told how great I am yet feeling like shit. Tired of being afraid to lose people when I feel no one is afraid to lose me. I’m just tired of being the only one who cares. And while I know it’s not everyone’s job to care. I’m still tired. I’m tired of debating when I can/can’t express myself because of how I’m going to be seen later. People expect you to be immune to how they treat you, yet expect you to treat them like royalty. Tired of feeling bad for how I truly feel.

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End of Trimester One

Kubes!!! What’s up!

My cub is now 13 weeks along.. The nausea and upchucking has gotten a lot better thanks to a prescription I got from my ObGyn. As I progress along the one thing I wish is that my grandmother was here to witness this with me. Though in my pure heart I feel this would not have been possible had her soul still  been here on earth. I thank my Nana for my blessing and thank my Goddess for the gift. Pregnancy teaches a lot of lessons or maybe it just blows away the gray clouds allowing a clear view. Either way, I hope I learn how to deal or cope with the surrounding changes. and soon.

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Moments like this I wish I had a best friend. Someone I can just confide in and just be an ear. Preferably of the same sex. Cause yeah I have a fiancé, but things just aren’t the same when you’re explaining what’s going on in that messed up head of yours. Trying to find the balance between being honest about feelings and not feeling like a total wuss. Though he wouldn’t make me feel that way intentionally, just some things he don’t understand. Or can’t, cause he’s a dude. Whatever I guess. Just would be nice you know?! Maybe I just need a getaway, some new headspace. 

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Auto-Pilot: OFF

Today I had a very successful, long awaited therapy session. One of the best moves I’ve made in this mental battle is finding and sticking with someone who truly has allowed me
open up and be myself. And yes, I know that’s what they are supposed to do. But, this isn’t a “one size fits all situation“. It takes trust, compassion, and chemistry for a therapy session to work The passing of my grandmother was a trigger to a full clip of emotions. Even with acceptance and understanding what’s best for her well-being, it’s hard.

But after today’s session, I’m open to a new array of possibilities in life. I’ve been on this journey adjusting my course according to the navigating abilities of others and it’s time I turn off the auto-pilot. Been going through life thinking I’m alone, with no one in my corner and every time I realized it was true, it hurt even more. So maybe I am alone. It’s time to accept it and act accordingly. I’m tired of allowing the actions of others to impact how I going about my own shit. For that reason, I hate everyone.  My task is to evaluate different aspects of my life according to their value and how satisfied I am with it. The first steps to making sure I make the right moves. Finding out what is most valuable, to me. It’s selfish…and that’s okay.

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Just keep swimming

Today I feel like a duck. Like people are watching me coast along with the ripples of the water, while I kick my legs profusely to get to the other side. While it seems as though I’m making directional progress, when you take into account where I should’ve been by now, I’ve gotten nowhere. Today. It got to me. I don’t know why I’m kicking, or where I wanna be. I just know today, I don’t wanna be a duck. 

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The Battle or A War?

My breathing slows to counter the increase of heart palpitations. The force of gravity becomes stronger with every step. Every movement. No fire. No desire. For anything. I try to ignore the symptoms but they are not so easily hidden. I’m good at holding them back until I’m asked the question that’s forbidden. “What’s wrong?”. 

The battle begins. Fight back tears. Maintain a straight face. “Nothing” My eyes start watering, can’t release pressure, now they burn. With every ounce of energy I use, the pain doubles over. The first tear breaks lose. And that battle is over. I have been defeated. The truth is i don’t know what’s wrong at this current moment. I just know, that something IS wrong. And no, I don’t know how to fix it. 
So now what?

Peach Skittles

 

peach skittleshot, yet hidden, topic is “mental illness in the Black community“.

Trying to force society to have a common perception when it comes to problems within one culture is tough in itself. So how do you prove something exists? You provide evidence. 

 

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