Status

Captive.

I’m beginning to ask myself Why? A lot. Why was I abused? Why didn’t I tell?

Why did I have the strength to prevail?  Yet, I’m too weak to exit my cell. Captive.

How did I have the strength to maintain silence but not to stop the pain?Forgiving those that have forsaken me, yet I live in vain.

Be grateful that I’m still here yet you want me to endure the constant tears.

 I don’t know why it still hurts, it just does. It just does.

So now I find myself on this journey of finding out who I was.

Before the short days and dark nights.

Before the wishes on street lights.

Before my successes felt like a pile of failures leading to nowhere.

Cause I’m still here. Some days I regret that I’m still here.

But I’m trying.

To find what I truly want and what I believe LIFE can provide for me.

What I want to exist in MY eternity. I’m trying…to find MY HAPPY and 

To break free from captivity. 

My “depression” or whatever the fxck you wanna call it has really been getting to me lately. I think it’s because I’m at the point where I would rather it be over. I’m getting tired of the emotional ups and downs and the way it’s affecting my day to day.  Trying to explain to others how it “feels” isn’t really working anymore. So what do I do? Make an attempt to understand it a little more. 

I’m starting to believe I’m manic-depressive. Just because the ease of how the moods come and go is ridiculous. A single thought can send me into a downward spiral that I am unable to pull myself out of. 

No keys to the cuffs for if my demons will not let me go, I must break free from captivity.

[Author: Veronica M.]

Aside

Everything but The Baby

Today has been my roughest day so far. Laid around most of the morning, only to get called into work early. Thought I had it, tryna be SUPERWOMAN, boy was I wrong. Ended up leaving work early. Went to the grocery store and picked up and few things that I hoped to keep down. After regurgitating my insides twice at work, I felt weak, laid in the bottom of my shower the entire time. Yes my shower, not bath lol. Got out all squeaky clean, only to be heaving over the porcelain bowl. Tuna sandwich, cucumbers, Cheerios, nothing helped. Today I swear I threw up everything but the baby. Who has some morning sickness remedies? I heard something about lollipops at Babies R Us. 

Status

“Oh Shit”

All week I’ve been feeling like shit.  Today I finally mustered up the guts to pee on a baby stick. The fibers turn pink. (One of ClearBlue’s new features). I start to put the cap on and then blurted out “Oh Shit”.

Not because of the results but because the test was done in like 30 seconds. I just knew I would have time to cap it, shower, and check my results as I dry off. But the positive, plus sign popped right on up. Guess we didn’t knock on wood hard enough when anyone even implied that a baby was on the way. But now that we have our own little heir in the making we couldn’t be happier. It shows in our conversation, hugs and daily jokes. Babe even said ” Look at us being in love for real, all it took was a baby”. Smh. I definitely can’t wait for this journey, but think Ima hold off on the public service announcements for now.

Signing off,

Empress Mommy Cash

Looking for Lola | pt V

Without the rain, you can’t appreciate the rays of the sunshine. So thanks to her timing,  we’ll call her Sunshine. 🌞

Plans had been set for the weekend. And by plans I don’t mean your traditional dinner and a  movie. Even though there would be tons of eating involved. 😏 But that fell through and in came the clouds. Darkening up my sex life. 

Next thing I know. Phone buzzes. New Text Message. This one girl had been slowly creeping into Big Daddy’s DMs (cues Gucci) ans becoming fascinated with his music,art and everything else he’d been doing. So…I had invited her to “celebrate” with us, with the way my hormones had prepared for the weekend, I had to.

Sake. Moonshine. 4 grams of Girl scout cookies. Plum wine. Netflix. The necessary ingredients for breaking the ice. It was the massage train that sent us swimming. She was more animated than anticipated, moaning with every thrust, demanding more of me, less of him, more of him with me over there. Let’s just say for it to be a little after midnight, the sunshine rays def provide enough light to see through to the morning. 

Status

Just keep swimming

Today I feel like a duck. Like people are watching me coast along with the ripples of the water, while I kick my legs profusely to get to the other side. While it seems as though I’m making directional progress, when you take into account where I should’ve been by now, I’ve gotten nowhere. Today. It got to me. I don’t know why I’m kicking, or where I wanna be. I just know today, I don’t wanna be a duck. 

Aside

The Battle or A War?

My breathing slows to counter the increase of heart palpitations. The force of gravity becomes stronger with every step. Every movement. No fire. No desire. For anything. I try to ignore the symptoms but they are not so easily hidden. I’m good at holding them back until I’m asked the question that’s forbidden. “What’s wrong?”. 

The battle begins. Fight back tears. Maintain a straight face. “Nothing” My eyes start watering, can’t release pressure, now they burn. With every ounce of energy I use, the pain doubles over. The first tear breaks lose. And that battle is over. I have been defeated. The truth is i don’t know what’s wrong at this current moment. I just know, that something IS wrong. And no, I don’t know how to fix it. 
So now what?

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@BynkRadio talks with @Cashmerely_ & @RealJPierce

Happy Motivation Monday Sugar Kubes,

What are your dreams? Are you chasing them? If you aren’t, here’s some inspiration to hopefully change that. Treblemaka (BYNK Radio) sat down with Bricksquad Boyz member Cashmerely and Midwest Artist of the Year J.Pierce for an intriguing one hour interview. 

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They discussed favorites from their  joint project “Deal on the Table” and announced that they have another tape coming soon produced by 808 Mafia.

This hour is both informational as well as enjoyable.

Take the time indulge, it’s a pretty good cup.

 

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From Indy to Beyond

SaveTheDateSugar Kubes,

How are you guys doing? No, really, how are you? Take the time to ask yourself and if the answer is anything other than you what you want it to be, do something about it. 🙂 ❤

Now, as one of my sugar kubes,  you are a integral part of what keeps Karahmel Tea going. SO, when it comes to big moves, it’s only right I tell you first. Right? Cool. 

Big Daddy asked me to marry him. Like for-real, for-real. He asked a little while ago, now don’t hold it against me for keeping this cup of tea and enjoying it myself. But now that I understand the nourishment that it’s providing for my soul, it’s selfish of me not to share.

 

 

SisterWife or Hobby Series…

Hello Sugar Kubes,

Long time, no TEA. 🙂

Yes, it has been a while since we’ve had a fresh pot. But the ingredients just haven’t been there. Before we continue the series I would like to inform you of a new change. We are changing the name to #LookingForLola. Why?

Originally, the series of posts were to tell the journey that I embark on while trying to understand if my new interest in females was authentic or if it was a result of boredom.

lolaI’ve decided. It’s real. lol. So all future posts will be directed towards that. Finding a SisterWife. Or at least exploring the options to see what I want in one. I call her Lola.
Why? Because I want her to parallel Lola Bunny. Now, you’re expecting me to describe what that entails. Read the series to find out.

sugahs.

Tee.