I’m beginning to ask myself Why? A lot. Why was I abused? Why didn’t I tell?
Why did I have the strength to prevail? Yet, I’m too weak to exit my cell. Captive.
How did I have the strength to maintain silence but not to stop the pain?Forgiving those that have forsaken me, yet I live in vain.
Be grateful that I’m still here yet you want me to endure the constant tears.
I don’t know why it still hurts, it just does. It just does.
So now I find myself on this journey of finding out who I was.
Before the short days and dark nights.
Before the wishes on street lights.
Before my successes felt like a pile of failures leading to nowhere.
Cause I’m still here. Some days I regret that I’m still here.
But I’m trying.
To find what I truly want and what I believe LIFE can provide for me.
What I want to exist in MY eternity. I’m trying…to find MY HAPPY and
To break free from captivity.
My “depression” or whatever the fxck you wanna call it has really been getting to me lately. I think it’s because I’m at the point where I would rather it be over. I’m getting tired of the emotional ups and downs and the way it’s affecting my day to day. Trying to explain to others how it “feels” isn’t really working anymore. So what do I do? Make an attempt to understand it a little more.
I’m starting to believe I’m manic-depressive. Just because the ease of how the moods come and go is ridiculous. A single thought can send me into a downward spiral that I am unable to pull myself out of.
No keys to the cuffs for if my demons will not let me go, I must break free from captivity.
[Author: Veronica M.]
I sometimes trap myself within my mind being the worst self critic that I could possibly be. I turn 25 in a little over two months and I feel like I am so behind. I see my peers getting married, starting families, moving to new cities and I start wondering if I doing what I’m supposed to be. But I wouldn’t know. I’ve always done what I should.
Graduate from college with a REAL degree.Go to grad school. Road to a PhD. Get my first apartment. Get a career. Buy my first car. Had the abortion because I was 23 doing the RIGHT thing and it would’ve messed up everything. Yet. We praise those who have them once their eighteen. I’m learning that certain treasures in life aren’t treasures at all because I’m living the life that was given to me. Not the one I found searching. I am ready to find myself. I am ready to toss my road map out the window; because I no longer have a destination. I can just go.
No I’m not going to quit my job and move to Detroit or Miami. But I could. And there’s nothing anyone could say about it. Because I don’t have kids. I’m not married. Nothing is keeping me here. Plus, the one’s who claim they’ll miss me. Stop fxcking with me when I found someone who genuinely would.
From ex-boys to best friends even some of the family. Couldn’t handle it when I found someone to truly care for me. I don’t know if it’s our story or the fact that we discussed the meaning of love. But the shxt we’ve been through was real. And for us that was enough. It’s all about timing. Not where we met. It’s how we meet. Our opposing ends always connect. Magnetic heat.
Well I’ve been playing by the rules long enough to know. I’m ready to win the game. I wanna flourish into an amazing Goddess so that no man, no weapon, no outside force of Nature other than Kharma herself can touch me. I want to bloom. I don’t know exactly who I want to be, but this is about to be one hell of a trial-and-error analysis.
I’m afraid of how long it will take. I just pray I get there before I give up.
[Author: Veronica M.]
Today has been my roughest day so far. Laid around most of the morning, only to get called into work early. Thought I had it, tryna be SUPERWOMAN, boy was I wrong. Ended up leaving work early. Went to the grocery store and picked up and few things that I hoped to keep down. After regurgitating my insides twice at work, I felt weak, laid in the bottom of my shower the entire time. Yes my shower, not bath lol. Got out all squeaky clean, only to be heaving over the porcelain bowl. Tuna sandwich, cucumbers, Cheerios, nothing helped. Today I swear I threw up everything but the baby. Who has some morning sickness remedies? I heard something about lollipops at Babies R Us.
Without the rain, you can’t appreciate the rays of the sunshine. So thanks to her timing, we’ll call her Sunshine. 🌞
Plans had been set for the weekend. And by plans I don’t mean your traditional dinner and a movie. Even though there would be tons of eating involved. 😏 But that fell through and in came the clouds. Darkening up my sex life.
Next thing I know. Phone buzzes. New Text Message. This one girl had been slowly creeping into Big Daddy’s DMs (cues Gucci) ans becoming fascinated with his music,art and everything else he’d been doing. So…I had invited her to “celebrate” with us, with the way my hormones had prepared for the weekend, I had to.
Sake. Moonshine. 4 grams of Girl scout cookies. Plum wine. Netflix. The necessary ingredients for breaking the ice. It was the massage train that sent us swimming. She was more animated than anticipated, moaning with every thrust, demanding more of me, less of him, more of him with me over there. Let’s just say for it to be a little after midnight, the sunshine rays def provide enough light to see through to the morning.
Today I feel like a duck. Like people are watching me coast along with the ripples of the water, while I kick my legs profusely to get to the other side. While it seems as though I’m making directional progress, when you take into account where I should’ve been by now, I’ve gotten nowhere. Today. It got to me. I don’t know why I’m kicking, or where I wanna be. I just know today, I don’t wanna be a duck.
My breathing slows to counter the increase of heart palpitations. The force of gravity becomes stronger with every step. Every movement. No fire. No desire. For anything. I try to ignore the symptoms but they are not so easily hidden. I’m good at holding them back until I’m asked the question that’s forbidden. “What’s wrong?”.
The battle begins. Fight back tears. Maintain a straight face. “Nothing” My eyes start watering, can’t release pressure, now they burn. With every ounce of energy I use, the pain doubles over. The first tear breaks lose. And that battle is over. I have been defeated. The truth is i don’t know what’s wrong at this current moment. I just know, that something IS wrong. And no, I don’t know how to fix it.
So now what?
When you feel yourself getting anxious, stop. Take a minute to get yourself together. If you need more, take five minutes. That five minutes should be dedicated to focusing on your breathing and slowing your heart rate. Once your break ends, focus on ONE thing and continue on with your day.
How are you guys doing? No, really, how are you? Take the time to ask yourself and if the answer is anything other than you what you want it to be, do something about it. 🙂 ❤
Now, as one of my sugar kubes, you are a integral part of what keeps Karahmel Tea going. SO, when it comes to big moves, it’s only right I tell you first. Right? Cool.
Big Daddy asked me to marry him. Like for-real, for-real. He asked a little while ago, now don’t hold it against me for keeping this cup of tea and enjoying it myself. But now that I understand the nourishment that it’s providing for my soul, it’s selfish of me not to share.
The Karahmel Tea team is considering adding video posts to the site so that Sugar Kubes across the universe can begin to see more of what Karahmel Tea is about. Here’s a short demo clip that we’re using to test features and stats. Stay tuned Kubes.